


If I'm Losing a Piece of Me

by clarygay



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Background Victuuri - Freeform, Coming Out, Friendship, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-01
Updated: 2018-07-01
Packaged: 2019-05-31 22:23:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15129041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clarygay/pseuds/clarygay
Summary: Yuri has been struggling with accepting his sexuality and decides to ask Yuuri for advice.





	If I'm Losing a Piece of Me

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! I've had this fic on my computer for a while. I love the dynamic between Yuuri and Yuri so I wanted to explore how that relationship develops after canon. I also want to note that I'm a lesbian so I definitely used my own feelings and experiences for this fic, but I'm aware that not everyone has the same coming out experience. My tumblr is yuuri-eros-katsuki if you want to contact me!

“You better not tell Victor what we talked about, got it, Katsudon?”

Yuri swung his legs under the table, his hand wrapped around the coffee cup in front of him. He normally wasn’t able to drink caffeine; Yakov said it was a “bad idea” and that he “didn’t need” any more energy. Whatever. Fuck Yakov. He made Yuuri buy him a large caramel latte with an extra shot and there was nothing Yakov could do to stop him from drinking it here in Hasetsu.

“Got it,” Yuuri echoed, watching him across the table with curious eyes. He was nursing his own small green tea latte, because for whatever reason, Katsudon didn’t drink _coffee_. He never had as long as Yuri had known him.

“Good,” Yuri said, not quite ready to get into what he _needed_ to say. Yuuri was also patient when they hung out together, and he’d been like the older brother he never had, next to Victor. “Just uh, give me a minute, alright?”

“Of course. Mari’s putting Vitya to work until dinner so the longer we’re gone the better for her,” Yuuri said, smirking. Yuri laughed.

“Then let’s stay out all night so Victor has to clean the entire Inn.”

Yuuri laughed and shook his head. “That’s exactly what Mari said before we left.”

“The work will be good for him. Yakov thinks he’s out here relaxing instead of training for the next season.”  He knew that he was stalling. He _knew._ But Yuuri was obliging him, and for that Yuri was grateful.

“He works himself too hard sometimes,” Yuuri said, “But I’m sure Yakov knows that too.”

Yuri rolled his eyes. He did know that. And at 29, Victor knew that there was only so much time he had left before inevitably retiring. But this wasn’t about Victor; this was about _him_.

“I don’t want to talk about Victor,” Yuri said abruptly, picking at the cardboard coffee cozy around his cup. “I...shit. I don’t know how the fuck to start? It’s me. I’m feeling...weird.”

Normally Yuuri would say something about language, but in the last few months it felt like he’d accepted that Yuri was never going to remove the four letter words from his vocabulary.

Instead he asked, “Weird how?” in an incredibly calm voice.

"Weird like...fucking weird! I don’t know!” He had no reason to be angry. Yuuri was being so nice, but somehow his calmness was pissing him off. He took a deep breath like his therapist sometimes told him to and shut his eyes for a moment. “Sorry.”

“You’re frustrated. I know. Just...try to remember that I’m not going to judge you?” Yuuri looked unphased, and Yuri was again, grateful.

“I know.” Yuri looked around the cafe. No one was watching them. The only other people were too engrossed in their own conversations to notice what was going on in he and Yuuri’s small corner.  He was safe talking to Yuuri. He was safe. Yuuri wouldn’t judge him.

“Okay,” he said decidedly. “You know how you and Victor are like...together?” _Obviously._ Thankfully Yuuri didn’t roll his eyes, but he didn’t say anything either, waiting for Yuri to continue.

“When did you uh, you know.  Find out you liked Victor... _like that_.”

“Like that?” Yuuri asked, tilting his head to the side. “You mean romantically?”

“Obviously,” Yuri said, frustrated. “You get what I’m trying to ask.”

“I really don’t,”  Yuuri said, eyebrows knit together. “You want to know how we fell in love?”

Yuuri wasn’t _getting_ it and he had no idea how else he could hint at what he was trying to ask. Maybe this was a bad idea, but Yuri had to _know_. It was all he could think about lately.

“You’re a guy! Victor is a guy! So...I just...how did you _know._ ”

Then Yuuri’s eyes widened in understanding. “Oh. You want to know how I knew I was gay?”

“Don’t say it so loud!” Yuri exclaimed. “Jesus Fucking Christ. Do you want the entire cafe to hear?”

“You’re the one yelling, Yurio, and I’m not hiding the fact that I’m gay.”

“Okay! Whatever! You’re right. Just. Fuck.” Yuri slumped in his seat. “This is so embarrassing.” He was 17 years-old and somehow he still couldn’t talk about this without wanting to run away.

“It’s not embarrassing,” Yuuri said, lowering his voice. “And you don’t have to talk about anything if you don’t want to. But if you want to know about how _I_ knew then we can talk about that. Or just scrap it all together and talk about something else.”

“I want to talk about it,” Yuri said decidedly. “I just feel so confused. It’s all I can fucking think about any more!”

“Hm, okay,” Yuuri said. He took a quick sip of his tea and then pursed his lips contemplatively. “Well...to be honest I think it all started when I saw Victor skating when I was around 11. Yuuko and I used to sit in front of the big TV at Ice Castle and watch all the big skating competitions back then. And then I saw Victor, and…”

“Wait. You literally realized you were, you know, because of _Victor_? Talk about obsessed.” Yuri smirked. As confused as he was, at least he hadn’t been into the same guy since he was 11.

Yuuri’s cheeks were flushed and he looked down at his tea in embarrassment. “Not _just_ because of Victor. Obviously that was part of it, but then I realized that I didn’t really feel the same way about girls that other boys did. I just thought they were pretty and I liked being their friends. I guess I thought every boy felt that way and romance was made up for TV or something...I know that sounds dumb but I just didn’t even know that I _could_ be with another boy.”

 _Neither did I._ Obviously Yuri knew that people could be gay. He knew when people made snide remarks about Victor when he was only a kid and now they said the same things about Yuri. _The Russian Fairy_ wasn’t just about his moves on the ice. And it wasn't just Yuri. People had been calling Victor a fairy for as long as he could remember, and Victor always pretended he never heard, but _Yuri heard_ . Even _fucking JJ_ seemed to know that Yuri wasn’t _normal_. Yuuri and Victor acted like it was like breathing being together, like it was the most natural thing in the world, but Yuri knew that his grandpa would stop speaking to him if he knew what Yuri was. He knew that all his fans would turn on him. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. That was what everyone said.

Sometimes Yuri liked to believe that maybe this was okay, that one day he could find someone who loved him like Yuuri loved Victor and that maybe it _was normal_ . But those thoughts were dangerous and they meant _losing everything_.

It made him so mad. Why did he have to feel this way while other people got to date girls and nobody cared?

“But,” Yuuri continued, watching him carefully from across the table, “I...had a crush on a boy in my class when I was around 16. I remember...it made me feel so strange when he got chocolates from a girl on White Day. I knew I should be happy for him, he was my friend, but it made me so jealous. And I really just hid how I was feeling until I moved to Detroit and I met Phichit. He was just so open about himself and I guess he made me feel accepted for the first time. I never really told my family, but I think they always kind of had an idea and now they’re very accepting of Victor.”

Yuuri smiled softly. “Sorry I’m rambling, but my point is that it wasn’t something I knew from birth but I slowly kind of grew more comfortable with it and figured things out. Does that make sense?”

It made too much sense. Yuri felt...weird. He thought this might make him feel better, but now it was like all the feelings in his mind were coming true and he couldn’t run away any more.

“I’m...yes.” Yuri brought his coffee up to his lips so that he wouldn’t have to say anything else.

“So...um. Was that all you wanted to ask me?”

“No. There’s more,” Yuri said quickly. He wanted to ask Yuuri _everything_ . “How do you... _deal with people_? Like people saying shit to you and Victor about the gay stuff.”

“Oh. Yeah. That.” Yuuri sighed. “I guess I haven’t dealt with it very well. Back in Detroit I had a therapist and I talked about why I felt so anxious about telling people, but now...I think just having Victor makes it easier. He’s so understanding and you know he’s dealt with people being horrible about his sexuality for years. Having someone you love like that...it makes it worth it.”

But Yuri didn’t have that. He didn’t have a boyfriend and he probably never would. _Fuck_.

“Are you okay?” Yuuri asked. “You just seem...down.”

“Fuck off. I’m fine,” Yuri spat. And now he was pushing Yuuri away again. He didn’t know why he had to be so mean to him. He just...did.

“Okay. I was just making sure,” Yuuri said, still calm. “You know that Victor and I care about you, right? You have a support system of people who love you.”

Yuri ripped off the cozy from his coffee cup and began folding it in his hands. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m just...I feel scared and I hate that. I feel weak.”

“You aren’t weak,” Yuuri assured him. “You were a Grand Prix gold medalist when you were only 15. That’s amazing, Yuri. And now you're 17 and still at the top of every competition. And that means you’re strong. It’s not easy to do that.”

“Yeah? And what about when everyone finds out about me, huh? Then what?”

“What do you mean?”

Yuuri had to know by now. He had to know that Yuri was...that he was...not straight.

“Fuck it. I’m...I feel like I’m like you. I feel like I’m...not normal.”

“Do you think I’m not normal?” Yuuri asked, but he didn’t look angry.

“No! I mean, everyone else thinks that!” he exclaimed.

“No they don’t,” Yuuri said. “My parents don’t feel like that. Victor doesn’t feel like that. Neither does Mila or Georgi or anyone of your friends at the rink.”

“My grandpa does.” He’d hinted at it in the past. Just small comments, of course, but...now it felt like he knew every time he asked Yuri about girls. It was like he didn’t want Yuri to like boys and he was trying to make it a reality.

“Did he tell you that?” Yuuri asked, bewildered.

“Don’t. It’s just how people are.” He ripped the coffee cozy in half. “It just isn’t fair. I don’t get why I can’t just like girls.”

“Because then you wouldn’t be Yuri Plisetsky,” Yuuri told him, taking the coffee cozy from Yuri’s hands and setting it in front of him on the table. “It’s okay if you like boys. You don’t have to tell anyone if you don’t want to and it’s not their business anyway. You just have to do what’s right for you and...it might not be easy, and everyone might not support you, but I support you and what I didn’t say about me and Victor? We’ve gotten so much support. You know that. We just got to do a cover shoot for Out Magazine! It’s...it means a lot. And even if some people are horrible, it’s not everyone.”

Yuri remembered that photoshoot. They’d both invited him to come and even though he acted like he wasn’t really interested in going, he’d shown up at the last second. They just looked so _happy_ and there were tons of people like him there. Yuuri and Victor were both in their Stammi Vicino costumes with a rainbow flag wrapped around both of them in one shot. It made him feel hope.

“I guess.” Beka was good about things. He was probably the first friend he’d ever had that he felt like he could be himself around. He’d casually mentioned once that he was going on a date with a guy and Yuri hadn’t known how to react at the moment but it was nice...having a friend that also liked guys. That meant when Yuri was ready maybe he could tell Beka about his crush on a boy he followed on instagram.

“Am I...the first person you told?” Yuuri asked.

Yuri rolled his eyes. “Duh.”

“Oh.”

“Oh?”

“I’m just really honored you trusted me,” Yuuri said simply. “I guess I always thought you still hated me.”

Yuri scoffed. “I don't hate you. You’re just dumb sometimes, but I don’t hate you.”

Yuuri laughed. “Thanks, Yurio.”

“No problem.”

They were both silent for a moment, then Yuri spoke. “I’m...uh. Thanks though. For listening. I’m not going to be on the cover of Out like you or anything but I guess I feel a little better now.”

Yuuri smiled, bright and warm. “I’m so glad. You can always talk to me about it. And I’m sure you’ll get there one day.”

“And my cover will knock yours and Victor’s out of the water,” he teased.  “So watch out.”

“Don’t be so sure. It was a great cover,” Yuuri quipped. “Speaking of Victor, we should probably save him from Mari before it gets too late.” He stood up and grabbed Yuri’s coffee cup off the table to throw out.

“Yeah, yeah.” Yuri stood up. “Do you think...your mom would show me how to make katsudon tonight?” He wanted to make it for his Grandpa when he went back home. It might not be as good as his katsudon piroshki but it might make him smile. Grandpa always liked when he cooked for him.

“I’m sure something can be arranged.” Yuuri beamed. “And put on your jacket. It’s cold out.”

“Yes _dad_.”


End file.
